Designed For Love

A couple of weeks ago I was listening to a podcast by a man who was sharing a specific conflict that took place in his marriage. He was talking about the ways both he and his wive give love and recieve love. If you have never heard of the 5 love languages, check it out here! One of the challenges in their marriage was that although he deeply loved his wife, she did not feel loved by him. He was not loving her based on the ways she recieved love, but instead, based on the ways he recieved love. The ways that we recieve love are typically the ways that we also give or express love.

Gary Chapman, the author and creator of the 5 love languages talksabout 5 main components based on how we recieve love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch

One of my favorite cuddle buddies!

When I took the quiz, my top two love languages were quality time and physcial touch. Anyone who truly knows me knows how accurate this is. I absolutely love spending quality time with others. It typically does not matter what we are doing, all that matters is that we are together. Nothing makes my heart more happy than quality time with people I love! My boyfriend often tells me that he loves how simple I am. I don't expect any fancy dates because I simply just enjoy spending time with him. This is also why I love long distance road trips with my friends (or long plane rides) - it is countless hours of pure quality time! I am also a very affectionate person who loves hugs, warm touches and hand holding. I have learned over time that not everyone appreciates this specific love language, so I have had to adjust accordingly. My friends and I will watch movies and legit just lay in bed or be huddled together in clusters on the couch.....and, I love every second of it! 

Scary movies & hudled on the couch!

We are all designed for love...to be loved and to give love, however this at times can get complicated. Have you ever taken a moment to really reflect on your expectations of those in your life? Sometimes we have what I like to call silent expectations. We unconciously expect our friends, family, spouse or significant other to respond or treat us a certain way and we base that persons love for us on our own expectation. I am learning that this is a dangerous and silent relationship and friendship killer. This is why it is vital to know the people in your circle. Misplaced expectations are a call for disaster. 

Hugs are my fave!

Let's look at some examples.....

I have a friend who's love language is not physical touch, so I do not expect her to always give me a hug when I see her or comfort me if I am upset, but this does not measure her love for me. We tend to measure peoples love for us based on our own expecations of them. Since I am someone who typically recieves love with affection and physical touch, it could be easy for me to feel like, "maybe she just doesn't love me", however this is not the case. She shows love in different ways. I was visibly upset one evening and she reached out to check on me to make sure I was ok. 

and another....

Over the summer I went to a cookout at friends house and one of my close friends who I hadn't seen in probably 3 weeks was there (which for someone who loves quality time can feel like a decade) and I was excited to see her.  I had just come back from an intense family vacation where all hell had broke loose (sorry if you are reading this fam, next time we will just get hotel rooms). When she showed up, I had expected her (key words) to be super excited to see me and give me a hug because she knew how terrible the family vacation was, but it was so hot out and she was not dishing out hugs nor did she seem noticiably excited to see me. I was so disappointed and felt hurt. Mind you, quality time is not one of her top love languages. So to her, 3 weeks is no big deal but for someone whose love language is quality time....that can feel like 3 whole months! To her, it may have been just another cookout since we have them often, but to me it was a time to be refreshed with family and friends. I quickly internalized this to mean that my friend didn't love me, which obviously I knew wasn't true, but in the moment that's how it felt. 

Quality time with some friends!

I eventually had to take a step back from my emotions and really look at the big picture. Once I did this and asked myself, "well Beth, why are you actually disappointed and hurt?", I realized that she did not do anything wrong. She did not dissapoint me or her hurt me. My expectations dissapointed me and hurt me. I was measuring my friends love for me based on my uncommunicated expecations of her. How unfair is that? But how often do we do this in our friendships, relationships and marriages? And we walk around hurting and feeling unloved. This is why it is important to know the people in your life...family, friends, spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends. 

Now, it is not bad to have certain expecations for the people in our lives. I am not suggesting we let others just treat us any old kinda way, but it is important that our expecations are realistic. We could save ourselves a lot of unnessary heart ache simply by making sure our expectations aren't unrealistic. Like I said in my previous blog, unfailing love, the people in our lives will not and cannot  love us perfectly. God has designed us for love, but only His love is unfailing. Only His love is perfect.

1 John 4:18

"Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. 

If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this 

shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

Love languages!

If you are up for the challenge, join me in taking inventory of the expectations you have placed on the people in your life. Get to really know the people in your circle. Take the love language test with your boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, friend group, family, whomever. (The link is all the way at the top!) Share your results and be open and honest in your communication. Assess where you may need to lower some expectations!

Xoxo,

Beth